As everyone knows, the hardest part of supporting someone else’s team in the AFL Grand Final is singing their club song. Whether you struggle to remember their tune, struggle to remember their words, or struggle to lend your powerful falsetto to the battle-hymn of an arch-nemesis, help is finally at hand.

ThermoCow’s resident troubadours have worked tirelessly to bring you a new twist on your own club’s song, so that you can enjoy the big game with a clear musical conscience.

? Port Adelaide

We’ve got the doggie-sized brains
The ice in our veins
Come on! We’ll give you all depression
We are the mutts from the west
Our mullets are best
It’s a true Footesceray tradition

We’ll never stop stop stop
Til we’re six goals up
It shouldn’t take more than a quarter
When your opponent gives in
It’s easy to win
Then the flag is ours for the slaughter

? Geelong

We are the Dees
It rolls right off the tongue
We are the Dees
We seem so very young
We never had a landline or CDs
Jackson’s still on his Ps
And if we win by more
Than eighty-four
The Cats won’t look so poor

? Brisbane

We have the strongest forward line
We have the colour Benny Brown
He’s a man of faithful loyalty
Not a flog who just wants a flag
And he was, a bargain trade
Even though, he barely played
Go Browny, Krusty Clowny
He’ll kick the winning score
Unless, that’s done by Gawn.

? Sydney

Cheer, cheer the red blue and white
Stealing your flatscreen TV at night
Sell it to the pawn shop guy
Then score some ice and get really high
When we advance in our Bulldog maul
We won’t get pinged for dropping the ball
Even if we do we’ll still be
Marching to victory!

? Greater Western Sydney

Oh there’s a silent sound
From the west of the town
It’s the sound of respect for the umpire

We didn’t lose a star
For something so bizarre
As a shoulder bump on an umpire

We keep the widest berth
We’ve made it through to Perth
We’re smarter than the rest
We’re the mighty Western Melbourne Bulldogs
And we don’t have a serial pest

And we will never succumb to
A brainfade or a snap
Yes we’re smarter than the rest

? Essendon

See the Doggies rise up, up, to win the Elimination Final
Some boys cannot manage this feat
But finals go for more than a week
See the Doggies rise up, up, the umps are all that they fear
Whistles put away
Cody’s face turns grey
Can the Doggies rise up?

? West Coast

We’re the Bulldogs
The Western Bulldogs
And we’re here in Perth, you see
Sure we’re not quite playing at Marvel
But at least it’s not at the ‘G

? St Kilda

Oh when the Dogs go marching in
Oh how I want the Dogs to win
So Melbourne’s drought still outlasts St Kilda’s
Oh when the Dogs go marching in

? Fremantle

Please enjoy the chance to sing a real song for a change. Perhaps it will inspire you to ditch your current dirge in favour of something better.

? Richmond

We’re from Demonland
If back in April
We from Demonland
Said we’d be premiers you’d mock us with a grin
Well, guess what? We’re in
The Granny’s on
And your team’s gone
And we’re odds on to win
Oh we’re from Demonland
It won’t seem real until the final siren blows
Like the Tigers of late
We’re suddenly great
Oh we’re from Demon
Navy and red!
Oh we’re from Demonland

? Carlton

We are the Melbourne Dees
We are rebuilding can’t you see?
We’re the team that weren’t content to be
Wallowing in mediocrity
We pay our champions
Above the table
No Visy stable
And yet we’re still attracting talent
To the famous Melbourne Dees!

? Hawthorn

We’re a nervous team at Melbourne
We’re hoping to break a drought
We love our club only when they win
Wait out the bumps with a spin (to Europe)
If we lose you’ll find us pining
For that merger with the Hawks
Nineteen sixty-four is more
Than one should have wait, so
Let’s hope our boys can walk the walk!

? Adelaide

We’re the pride of Hotham’s snowy peaks
We’re the mighty Melbourne Dees
We’re sophisticated savourers
Of our camemberts and bries
Admiration of the nation
For the man behind the “Freeze”
We’re the pride of Hotham’s snowy peaks
We’re the mighty Melbourne Dees

? Gold Coast

We are the team from another State
We are the ones wearing colours I guess
We are the mighty football team
We play to win and try our best
Fight! Fight! Fight!
Till we win the big game
Run! Run! Run, I suppose
If we don’t win, honestly, that’s fine
We lost interest in this in around July

? Collingwood

Good old Collingwood forever
They know how to make a trade
A. Treloar and lots of money
To uphold the deal they made
Nathan Buckley must be doubting
If the trade was good
Oh, Treloar will win a premiership
Only not with Collingwood

? North Melbourne

Be honest - you already switched teams after Round 8.

Like this? You might also like our list of AFL club songs ranked by ambition and boastfulness.