Getting trapped in an elevator, much like winning the lottery or visiting Patagonia, is something that happens to other people. It’s possible, sure, but unless you’re a character on a long-running sitcom, it’s pretty unlikely.
I don’t know what I expected when the elevator lurched to a sudden halt thirty storeys above street level, but I do know that resolution of sexual tension between me and my dreamy co-star was probably too much to ask for. My luck is never that good, and besides, I was the only person there.
No, instead of a dreamy co-star, I got Kevin.
“Good afternoon and welcome to elevator emergency telephone service, my name is Kevin how may I help you?”
“The elevator’s stuck.”
“I understand that you are reporting a fault in an elevator service. Is this correct?”
“Yes.”
“In order to assist with your query, I will need to ask some questions to verify your identity.”
“Can you call 000? The address is--”
“I apologise Sir, but due to privacy regulations I must verify your identity before I can help you any further.”
“Okay.”
“Can you please tell me your full name?”
I did. I also told him my date of birth, my mother’s maiden name, and the answer to my secret question (“turtleneck”, in case you’re wondering). Satisfied that I was who I’d never even claimed to be, Kevin continued.
“Can you describe to me the problem you are encountering with your elevator service?”
“It’s stuck.”
“Is there any upwards or downwards movement of the elevator car?”
“No, I said it’s stuck.”
“I understand that the elevator is not moving either upwards or downwards. Is this correct?”
“Yes.”
“The elevator will only move upwards or downwards if a floor has been selected. Have you selected a floor?”
“Yes.”
“Which floor did you select?”
“Ground.”
“Are you currently at the ground floor?”
“No.”
“From what you are telling me, it appears that the elevator is not moving as you would expect it to move. Our technicians are aware of the problem, and are working to resolve it in the next four to six business hours. In the meantime, can I suggest that you use a nearby staircase to descend to the ground floor?”
“I can’t - I’m stuck in the elevator!”
“Have you tried exiting the elevator?”
“Yes!”
“What happens if you walk forward in a straight line?”
“I bump into a wall.”
“I think it is possible that you are facing in the wrong direction--”
“No Kevin, I’m facing the right way.”
“I understand you believe you are facing in the correct direction, but just to be sure, can you please slowly turn to your left, and tell me if you see an open door?”
“Okay Kevin, I’ll do that. Looking, looking... wall, wall, more wall -- Oh wow!”
“Is it an open door?”
“No. It’s more wall.”
“I believe the problem you are encountering is that the elevator door is closed.”
“I believe you’re right. And before you ask - yes, I have tried pressing the “open door” button; and no, that didn’t work.”
“In that case, I’m going to mark the incident as resolved.”
“What? No. I’m still stuck.”
“As requested, I have marked the incident as resolved. Thank you for calling elevator emergency telephone service, I’m glad we could help you today.”
