A celebrity polo accident, a singing boxer and DINOSAUR!! All that and more in today’s Nine News recap.
Link to Episode 330 recap
ZERMYGERD! It's news time and doesn't "Big Bad" Brett McLeod know it? He continues his longstanding practice of reading headlines of news stories relating to events that occurred during the previous 24 hours. Between each story, we go into orbit and a whooshing Channel 9 logo flies straight at us!
It's COMING RIGHT FOR US!
Did I mention NEWS???!
After a split second of anchoring Big Bad handballs to Jayde Vincent who’s standing near some news that’s newsing right now. Some words at the bottom of the screen tell us about the same news.
So news.
Very reporter.
After some pre-taped witnesses report seeing different aspects of the same news, we’re treated to an uncomfortable stare from the very live Jayde Vincent.
Pictured: live television.
The news ends happy so Jayde turns happy, which in turn makes Big Bad happy.
Thank you for your happy news. I am much newsreading.
For the next story, Big Bad’s more skeptical eyebrow climbs an inch while his more trusting eyebrow stays stationary. You’ve got to feel for victim “Mark” in the face of this skepticism - apparently the police didn’t help him chase his own stolen car around Frankston or something - but at least Crime Reporter Alexis Something and a fascinating graphical reproduction corroborate his story.
Not pictured: convinced news anchor
Mark asks: “What are [the police] good for now? Booking you for a seatbelt?” Guess what, Mark: I’m pretty sure you can’t get booked for “a seatbelt”. You get booked for not having a seatbelt. I just zinged you, Mark! BURN! But I’m genuinely sorry about your car. It sounds like it was really upsetting and I sincerely apologise for zinging you.
Soon there’s a Toddler version of the Superwall (is the Superwall still a thing?) as we watch news footage of eight different toddlers at once. Something about child care payment reforms? Apparently we have an Education Minister and he has a name and policies and bla bla bla. There’s green and red arrows and pictures of sad rich people. Yawn, right?
DINOSAUR!! Brett McLeod and the rest of us wake up for some DINOSAUR news. Never mind that it’s about a new Melbourne Museum Jurassic World exhibition and they show footage from Jurassic Park - they are NOT THE SAME THING, Reporter Sonia Marinelli, but who cares because DINOSAUR!! Sonia Marinelli is confident this will inspire “a new generation of paleontologists”, which sounds wrong to me but DINOSAUR!!
Do you want the bad news, or the DINOSAUR news??
The news goes on as overlaid graphics give colour and context to each story - a politician here, a stock photo there. It’s the same pattern Nine News had been following all season, and I think it’s why it’s dragged so much apart from the occasional DINOSAUR!! I’m yet to see the point of the Bill Shorten plotline, but it’s mercifully absent so far tonight.
There’s some really heavy, serious news, too. The very idea of making light of it in a humorous recap is among the most disgusting things I can imagine. These stories are about real people with real feelings. But PRINCE HARRY WAS PLAYING POLO AND HE FELL OFF A HORSE! This is why we news, Big Bad Brett McLeod! THIS IS WHY WE NEWS!
And more good news: it’s Sunday, so we don’t get an update on key movements in financial markets. Surely nobody with any understanding of the stockmarket watches Nine News, and yet the charade continues, am I rite? Am I rite?
"Tell me the sports news,” orders Brett McLeod, and Clint Stanaway gladly obliges. “Has a Kiwi win in Adelaide slipped through the Kiwis’ fingers” Clint asks over footage of Kiwi Mitchell Santner dropping a catch. The ball literally slips through his fingers (ironic, no?).
Pictured: irony
Clint Stanaway speaks some cricket news and golf news and lesser sport news and ZERMYSHMERMYGERD I am literally losing my proverbial because there’s a new world champion boxer named “Tyson Fury” and after winning his title he sang “I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing” to his wife in the ring! It’s a touch pitchy, but the passion is epic. Clint Stanaway rounds off the segment with the banter, “Dare you to tell him he’s a bad singer!”. McLeod banters straight back. I feel sad about the mocking banter because the passion was epic and I really, really liked that.
Reporter Sonia Marinelli is along with weather - wait, what? Sonia Marinelli covers dinosaur news and weather news? The two most important newses? Can one person really do both? She stands in front of the Green Screen of Meteorology and says weather words like “trough”, “charts” and “warm gusty northerlies”, and my doubts are dispelled. Overall, it’s a solid finish to a decent episode of one of the weaker seasons of Nine News.
The credits roll and we’re left to contemplate the significance of what we’ve just seen. No teaser for tomorrow night’s ep, but spoilers will be appearing online all day, so if you want to stay unspoilt, stay off the Web!
What did you think of episode 331? Let us know on Twitter: @ThermoCow
