Football is a tricky sport, but some people can get much better at football, and everything related to it, simply by watching football. So how good are you when you are watching football? Take this quiz to find out!

1. When you are watching football, how good are you at set shots for goal?

The same as I am in real life.

The same as I am in real life.

The same as I am in real life.

Just average AFL standard.

Just average AFL standard.

Just average AFL standard.

I’ve never missed. You practise them at training all the time and it’s no different on game day. I see no excuse for forwards on a million a year - it’s literally their job to take set shots - to miss unless they’re more than 300 metres out or there’s a tornado in the goal square.

I’ve never missed. You practise them at training all the time and it’s no different on game day. I see no excuse for forwards on a million a year - it’s literally their job to take set shots - to miss unless they’re more than 300 metres out or there’s a tornado in the goal square.

I’ve never missed. You practise them at training all the time and it’s no different on game day. I see no excuse for forwards on a million a year - it’s literally their job to take set shots - to miss unless they’re more than 300 metres out or there’s a tornado in the goal square.

2. When you are watching football, how good are you at umpiring football?

I don’t know - it’s a tough job. Not great, I guess.

I don’t know - it’s a tough job. Not great, I guess.

I don’t know - it’s a tough job. Not great, I guess.

I’d do better than the clowns they’ve got. They get so many obvious calls wrong.

I’d do better than the clowns they’ve got. They get so many obvious calls wrong.

I’d do better than the clowns they’ve got. They get so many obvious calls wrong.

I am fairness incarnate. If King Solomon, US Supreme Court Justice Oliver Wendell Holmes and the Extremely Sage Departed Teacher Confucius were scientifically combined into one AFL umpire, that would be me, such is my perfect justice, unimpaired vision and unfathomable knowledge of the rules of football.

I am fairness incarnate. If King Solomon, US Supreme Court Justice Oliver Wendell Holmes and the Extremely Sage Departed Teacher Confucius were scientifically combined into one AFL umpire, that would be me, such is my perfect justice, unimpaired vision and unfathomable knowledge of the rules of football.

I am fairness incarnate. If King Solomon, US Supreme Court Justice Oliver Wendell Holmes and the Extremely Sage Departed Teacher Confucius were scientifically combined into one AFL umpire, that would be me, such is my perfect justice, unimpaired vision and unfathomable knowledge of the rules of football.

3. When you are watching football, how good are you at tagging Nat Fyfe?

Nat Fyfe would humiliate me in ways I can hardly imagine.

Nat Fyfe would humiliate me in ways I can hardly imagine.

Nat Fyfe would humiliate me in ways I can hardly imagine.

Tagging Nat Fyfe is actually mostly about core strength and concentration. I could probably keep him to 25 with a bit of support.

Tagging Nat Fyfe is actually mostly about core strength and concentration. I could probably keep him to 25 with a bit of support.

Tagging Nat Fyfe is actually mostly about core strength and concentration. I could probably keep him to 25 with a bit of support.

I would humiliate Nat Fyfe in ways I can hardly imagine. Actually, in ways Nat Fyfe could hardly imagine. I can imagine them easily but Nat Fyfe’s imagination is weak and limited.

I would humiliate Nat Fyfe in ways I can hardly imagine. Actually, in ways Nat Fyfe could hardly imagine. I can imagine them easily but Nat Fyfe’s imagination is weak and limited.

I would humiliate Nat Fyfe in ways I can hardly imagine. Actually, in ways Nat Fyfe could hardly imagine. I can imagine them easily but Nat Fyfe’s imagination is weak and limited.

4. When you are watching football on TV, how good are you at commentating?

What?

What?

What?

Commentators often repeat my humorous and incisive observations shortly after I make them. I’m sort of David King meets Dennis Cometti.

Commentators often repeat my humorous and incisive observations shortly after I make them. I’m sort of David King meets Dennis Cometti.

Commentators often repeat my humorous and incisive observations shortly after I make them. I’m sort of David King meets Dennis Cometti.

I call every game entirely in rhyming couplets of iambic pentameter, and never stop producing precise, high-octane, edge-of-your-seat analysis. I can do this for up to three games simultaneously, provided I have enough TVs.

I call every game entirely in rhyming couplets of iambic pentameter, and never stop producing precise, high-octane, edge-of-your-seat analysis. I can do this for up to three games simultaneously, provided I have enough TVs.

I call every game entirely in rhyming couplets of iambic pentameter, and never stop producing precise, high-octane, edge-of-your-seat analysis. I can do this for up to three games simultaneously, provided I have enough TVs.

5. When you are watching football, how good are you at coaching football?

What’s with these questions? I just watch the sport. I’m not saying I could coach a professional team.

What’s with these questions? I just watch the sport. I’m not saying I could coach a professional team.

What’s with these questions? I just watch the sport. I’m not saying I could coach a professional team.

I make structural changes when I need to and have Plans B, C and D ready to go. I never let opposition small forwards get goal-side at their forward fifty stoppages, which seems to happen a lot with my team.

I make structural changes when I need to and have Plans B, C and D ready to go. I never let opposition small forwards get goal-side at their forward fifty stoppages, which seems to happen a lot with my team.

I make structural changes when I need to and have Plans B, C and D ready to go. I never let opposition small forwards get goal-side at their forward fifty stoppages, which seems to happen a lot with my team.

‘Pagan’s Paddock’ should have been called ‘My Paddock’. ‘Rolling Zone’? More like ‘Rolling Thing I Came Up With First’. I already have a new game changer - it’s called the Power Phalanx. I came up with it watching Pies v Swans the other day. When a player takes a mark, his teammates lock arms in a ring around him and start marching toward goal with the ball in the centre. Then, as long as the players in the ring keep within 5 metres of the ball-carrier they can shepherd all the opposition players away and the ball-carrier can march unmolested to goal. It’s unstoppable.

‘Pagan’s Paddock’ should have been called ‘My Paddock’. ‘Rolling Zone’? More like ‘Rolling Thing I Came Up With First’. I already have a new game changer - it’s called the Power Phalanx. I came up with it watching Pies v Swans the other day. When a player takes a mark, his teammates lock arms in a ring around him and start marching toward goal with the ball in the centre. Then, as long as the players in the ring keep within 5 metres of the ball-carrier they can shepherd all the opposition players away and the ball-carrier can march unmolested to goal. It’s unstoppable.

‘Pagan’s Paddock’ should have been called ‘My Paddock’. ‘Rolling Zone’? More like ‘Rolling Thing I Came Up With First’. I already have a new game changer - it’s called the Power Phalanx. I came up with it watching Pies v Swans the other day. When a player takes a mark, his teammates lock arms in a ring around him and start marching toward goal with the ball in the centre. Then, as long as the players in the ring keep within 5 metres of the ball-carrier they can shepherd all the opposition players away and the ball-carrier can march unmolested to goal. It’s unstoppable.

6. When you are watching Grand Final football, how good are you at providing the pre-match entertainment?

Meatloaf is far more talented than I am, and I honestly would have done no better under those conditions.

Meatloaf is far more talented than I am, and I honestly would have done no better under those conditions.

Meatloaf is far more talented than I am, and I honestly would have done no better under those conditions.

I don’t where they dig some of those acts up. My band could do what they do and we all have day jobs. Actually, we’ve got a gig on Friday. You should come.

I don’t where they dig some of those acts up. My band could do what they do and we all have day jobs. Actually, we’ve got a gig on Friday. You should come.

I don’t where they dig some of those acts up. My band could do what they do and we all have day jobs. Actually, we’ve got a gig on Friday. You should come.

Picture a chorus of 100,000 angels. They all sing and play a different heavenly instrument and have been practising for all eternity for this one Grand Final gig. Heartless dictators hear one bar and they weep like little lambs. Pictured it? Those angels are my warm-up act.

Picture a chorus of 100,000 angels. They all sing and play a different heavenly instrument and have been practising for all eternity for this one Grand Final gig. Heartless dictators hear one bar and they weep like little lambs. Pictured it? Those angels are my warm-up act.

Picture a chorus of 100,000 angels. They all sing and play a different heavenly instrument and have been practising for all eternity for this one Grand Final gig. Heartless dictators hear one bar and they weep like little lambs. Pictured it? Those angels are my warm-up act.

7. When you are watching football, how good are you at the half-time Auskick?

I don’t critique the Auskick kids or picture what I’d do in their position, and neither should you.

I don’t critique the Auskick kids or picture what I’d do in their position, and neither should you.

I don’t critique the Auskick kids or picture what I’d do in their position, and neither should you.

So my band’s called ‘Passion Pop’ but we’re thinking of changing the name to something a little harder to match the kind of covers we do. We have a MySpace if you want to check it out. I’ll send you a link.

So my band’s called ‘Passion Pop’ but we’re thinking of changing the name to something a little harder to match the kind of covers we do. We have a MySpace if you want to check it out. I’ll send you a link.

So my band’s called ‘Passion Pop’ but we’re thinking of changing the name to something a little harder to match the kind of covers we do. We have a MySpace if you want to check it out. I’ll send you a link.

Those Auskick games are a waste of time. The kids, and everyone else for that matter, would develop faster by watching the DVDs I made of myself demonstrating correct techniques.

Those Auskick games are a waste of time. The kids, and everyone else for that matter, would develop faster by watching the DVDs I made of myself demonstrating correct techniques.

Those Auskick games are a waste of time. The kids, and everyone else for that matter, would develop faster by watching the DVDs I made of myself demonstrating correct techniques.

8. When you are watching football, how good are you at conducting score reviews?

Honestly, the score reviews tell me nothing.

Honestly, the score reviews tell me nothing.

Honestly, the score reviews tell me nothing.

I can’t tell anything from the score review footage.

I can’t tell anything from the score review footage.

I can’t tell anything from the score review footage.

I typically find score review footage inconclusive.

I typically find score review footage inconclusive.

I typically find score review footage inconclusive.

Share this

Follow ThermoCow

Read next

12 more clubs to front CAS after fresh allegations from Caroline Wilson

Changes to WADA Code mean media accusations are conclusive proof of wrongdoing.